It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the sound I heard when I was 9 and my father slammed the front door so hard behind him I swear to god it shook the whole house. For the next 3 years I watched my mother break her teeth on vodka bottles. I think she stopped breathing when he left. I think part of her died. I think he took her heart with him when he walked out. Her chest is empty, just a shattered mess or cracked ribs and depression pills.
It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s all the blood in the sink. It’s the night that I spent 12 hours in the emergency room waiting to see if my sister was going to be okay, after the boy she loved, told her he didn’t love her anymore. It’s the crying, and the fluorescent lights, and white sneakers and pale faces and shaky breaths and blood. So much blood.
It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the time that I had to stay up for two days straight with my best friend while she cried and shrieked and threw up on my bedroom floor because her boyfriend fucked his ex. I swear to god she still has tear streaks stained onto her cheeks. I think when you love someone, it never really goes away.
It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the six weeks we had a substitute in English because our teacher was getting divorced and couldn’t handle getting out of bed. When she came back was smiling. But her hands shook so hard when she held her coffee, you could see that something was broken inside. And sometimes when things break, you can’t fix them. Nothing ever goes back to how it was. I got an A in English that year. I think her head was always spinning too hard to read any essays.
It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s that I do.”
1. I still love you, I don’t think I ever stopped, some nights I start shaking so hard I can’t feel anything but my bones breaking and I lose all the feeling in my chest but I still love you
2. I wish you would call me, I miss your voice, I miss listening to you fall asleep, I miss the sound of your breath washing through my hair
3. I planted flowers in my backyard, I was going to yank them out of the ground and leave them on the side of the road to symbolize the death of you and me but god they were so pretty I left them in the ground to rot
4. I deleted your number but it’s still stained onto my hand where you wrote it in green pen 6 months ago
5. Maybe if I could just kiss you we’d be okay
6. I wish I could kiss you
7. I tried to read your favorite poem but I ended up choking on my words, I can’t stop coughing. I wish you were here.
8. I’d do anything for you, it’s really fucked up, I don’t think you care anymore, I’m pretty sure I don’t mean anything to you anymore but jesus fuck if you told me to swim to the edge of the earth, I’d do it.
9. I miss you so much. You’re still here but not like you were oh god oh god I miss how good we were, we were the best.
10. My best friend asked me how you’re doing and I think I started crying
11. I don’t know what I did to make you stop loving me
12. I’m really sorry
13. Please come back
14. It’s okay that you’re not here anymore, I don’t really mind anymore
15. You’re breaking my fucking heart
16. I need you here”
I had to sit and stare at this for a while when I first saw it because it completely threw me off how accurate it is to my life. It pretty much sums up what I’ve tried to put into words numerous times. I’m kinda blown away by it actually.