People always say that it hurts at night
and apparently screaming into your pillow at 3am
is the romantic equivalent of being heartbroken.
it’s 9am on a tuesday morning
and you’re standing at the kitchen bench waiting for the toast to pop up
And the smell of dusty sunlight and earl grey tea makes you miss him so much
you don’t know what to do with your hands.
Three years later, a new girl sits cross-legged on your bed.
She tastes like a different flavor of bubblegum than you are used to.
She opens up a book that you had to read in high school, and a folded picture of us falls out of chapter three.
Now there are two unfinished stories resting in her lap.
Inevitably, she asks, and you tell her.
You say: I dated her a while back.
You don’t say: Sometimes, when I’m holding you, I imagine the smell of her vanilla perfume.
You say: She was younger than me.
You don’t say: The sixteen summers in her bones warmed the eighteen winters my skin had weathered.
You say: It’s nothing now.
You don’t say: But it was everything then.
never ignore a person who loves you, cares for you, and misses you. because one day, you might wake up from your sleep and realize that you lost the moon while counting the stars.
1. People say that when you love someone you see stars when you kiss them, but stars burn out and leave a bad taste in your mouth and holes in the sky where light used to be.
2. When I was 9 I broke my arm and I was convinced that I heard the bone shatter and I started screaming and crying and I had to spend 6 hours in the hospital. I saw the x-Ray, there were cracks under my skin, I don’t want another 6 hours in the hospital and cracks in every bone in my body when you say goodbye
3. My sister fell in love with the boy who lived down the street, the one with dark hair that always fell into his eyes, who spoke in twisted poetry and kissed her like she was all he would ever need, when he told her that he met someone else she stopped eating and only wore long sleeves no matter how hot it was outside, she didn’t smile and she stopped writing poetry after that.
4. I know that when I meet a boy who makes my stomach flutter I’ll want to take him up to my roof and make him count the stars with me the way I do when I’m sad and I’ll want him to hold my hand while we cross the bridge next to the library that makes me feel less alone and I know that once it’s over, I won’t be able to go up to the roof without hoping I fall off and I won’t be able to set foot on that bridge without swallowing him whole.
5. When my dad ran away with the pretty blonde woman he met in Vegas who smelled like smoke and spoke through cheap red lipstick I swear my mother’s heart stopped, I don’t think it’s ever going to start again. I don’t want my heart to die before I do.
6. I don’t want his voice stuck in my head or his touch lingering on my skin, I don’t want his smell soaking through my bedsheets or the way he tastes drilling cavities in my teeth. I don’t want to have to forget. I don’t want to have to miss him. I don’t want my chest to hurt more than it already does.
7. I never really liked butterflies anyway, I always thought ladybugs were a lot nicer.
8. I don’t want to have to stop smoking so many cigarettes because he worries about the way I breathe while I sleep. I don’t want to stop hurting myself because he hates finding blood on the inside of my sleeves. I don’t want to have to fix myself for anyone because I don’t think I can.
9. I hate the way I know I’ll shake when he kisses someone else or lets his phone go to voicemail when I call.
10. I don’t want to meet his mother. I don’t want to wear a nice skirt or make small talk. I don’t want to be torn apart under a microscope. I don’t want to hear her whisper to you about how messy my hair is. I don’t want to watch her cry because she always thought you’d end up with a good girl.
11. I never finish books. I hate endings. I don’t know how to say goodbye. The words get caught in my throat and choke me. I think trying to let you go would kill me.”
Oh god. I forgot what it felt like for my heart to physically ache. I’m over you, I’ve been over you, and I’m never going back but looking at old pictures and messages just brings me back to how I felt then. It doesn’t hurt me anymore knowing that you are not the person I had thought you were; it hurts knowing that you put me through so much unnecessary pain. I feel so bad whenever I see something that makes me think of you because that was a time in my life that I definitely never want to experience again. You tore my fucking heart out of my chest and I just let you do it. I learned so goddamn much from those 6 months but learning didn’t help my heart to heal. I grew in so many ways because of what you put me through and I can appreciate my self growth now but it makes me cringe to think about how much pain you caused. There was nothing beautiful about the way that you single handedly tore me to pieces but there is something beautiful about the way I was able to stitch myself back up; and this time I reinforced those stitches and I’m sure as hell a lot stronger than before. Reading the old messages makes me want to throw myself off a bridge because I can’t believe the bullshit I put up with. The fights, the attitude, the self loathing and hatred, your inability to appreciate me, stringing me on, and straight up meanness that bombarded me throughout the whole day. You consumed every one of my thoughts and honestly, you controlled my fucking universe. You were the one thing that I was afraid to lose. And when I lost you, man, there was no worse feeling. I can still feel my heart drop to my stomach when you confirmed my biggest fear. I remember my tears just pouring out while I frantically dialed Tay and the words “there was another girl” stumbling out between sobs. I have never experienced a worse day because that was the day that my entire world came crashing down. Everything that I wanted was now a sick dream and I didn’t have a single fucking thing. But that was 8 months ago and I’ve come a hell of a long way from there. Yeah, you still cross my mind sometimes. Sometimes I still wish you were a part of my life and I daydream about receiving a text from you and years from now meeting at a cafe. I romanticize you to the point of fiction and I paint you to be the awesome girl I once thought you were. In reality, if I got a text from you I’d probably tell you to go fuck yourself because I don’t need any reminder of the past. Truth be told, you still have a special place in my heart and I’ve never loved anyone with the intensity that I gave to you. With that being said, you are still the only person to ruin me and I will never forgive you for that. Yes, I’m a hundred times stronger and better off without you but I’m not the same person that I was when I first met you. The innocence and childlike naivety are now gone and I’ve been forced to deal with real life; I miss viewing the world as a perfect place. I’ve got a good head on my shoulders and I’ve come to see things as they are, not as I wish them to be. I’m not the person you knew 8 months ago and I’m damn proud of who I’ve become.