CARPE DIEM

The words I couldn't say

It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the sound I heard when I was 9 and my father slammed the front door so hard behind him I swear to god it shook the whole house. For the next 3 years I watched my mother break her teeth on vodka bottles. I think she stopped breathing when he left. I think part of her died. I think he took her heart with him when he walked out. Her chest is empty, just a shattered mess or cracked ribs and depression pills.

It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s all the blood in the sink. It’s the night that I spent 12 hours in the emergency room waiting to see if my sister was going to be okay, after the boy she loved, told her he didn’t love her anymore. It’s the crying, and the fluorescent lights, and white sneakers and pale faces and shaky breaths and blood. So much blood.

It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the time that I had to stay up for two days straight with my best friend while she cried and shrieked and threw up on my bedroom floor because her boyfriend fucked his ex. I swear to god she still has tear streaks stained onto her cheeks. I think when you love someone, it never really goes away.

It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the six weeks we had a substitute in English because our teacher was getting divorced and couldn’t handle getting out of bed. When she came back was smiling. But her hands shook so hard when she held her coffee, you could see that something was broken inside. And sometimes when things break, you can’t fix them. Nothing ever goes back to how it was. I got an A in English that year. I think her head was always spinning too hard to read any essays.

It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s that I do.

—   

It’s not that I don’t love you.  (via extrasad)

i’m in tears.

(via 410203)

(via mis0neism)

1. I still love you, I don’t think I ever stopped, some nights I start shaking so hard I can’t feel anything but my bones breaking and I lose all the feeling in my chest but I still love you

2. I wish you would call me, I miss your voice, I miss listening to you fall asleep, I miss the sound of your breath washing through my hair

3. I planted flowers in my backyard, I was going to yank them out of the ground and leave them on the side of the road to symbolize the death of you and me but god they were so pretty I left them in the ground to rot

4. I deleted your number but it’s still stained onto my hand where you wrote it in green pen 6 months ago

5. Maybe if I could just kiss you we’d be okay

6. I wish I could kiss you

7. I tried to read your favorite poem but I ended up choking on my words, I can’t stop coughing. I wish you were here.

8. I’d do anything for you, it’s really fucked up, I don’t think you care anymore, I’m pretty sure I don’t mean anything to you anymore but jesus fuck if you told me to swim to the edge of the earth, I’d do it.

9. I miss you so much. You’re still here but not like you were oh god oh god I miss how good we were, we were the best.

10. My best friend asked me how you’re doing and I think I started crying

11. I don’t know what I did to make you stop loving me

12. I’m really sorry

13. Please come back

14. It’s okay that you’re not here anymore, I don’t really mind anymore

15. You’re breaking my fucking heart

16. I need you here

—   everything I want to say to you but can’t  (via extrasad)

(via cobainly)

“Just because you miss someone, it doesn’t mean you should go back to them. Sometimes you have to just keep missing them until you wake up one morning and realise that you don’t anymore.”

—   (via butterfly-tales)

so true

(via askaboutnikki)

(Source: these-greatexpectations, via mis0neism)

seductivxly:

it actually hurts me so fucking much…

seductivxly:

it actually hurts me so fucking much…

“Someday we’ll run into each other again, I know it. Maybe I’ll be older and smarter and just plain better.”

—   Gabrielle Zevin, Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac (via simply-quotes)

(Source: simply-quotes, via broken-and-smiling)

“There was actually nothing beautiful or poetic about it.
You shattered my fucking heart.”

—   (via 20696)

(Source: these-greatexpectations, via souliebaby)

“Your first love is the hardest. You’re never going to forget that boy who took away the only thing that made you somewhat pure. But you don’t regret it because there is no one else in the universe that you’d rather share that memory with. You miss the late nights and the early morning fatigue. You miss the feel of his hands on your bony spine and the feel of his mouth as he would breathe I love you into the crease of your neck. You miss his voice at 4am through to 4pm and the way he would sing songs in that laughable voice to cheer you up. You miss the company and you know that there’s no way, no way that you’ll find someone who knows your story like he did. You’ll miss the fights and the petty disagreements. You’ll miss him as a whole and nothing will ever change that.”

—   (via hannatwothree)

(Source: c-ibophobia, via 012708x)

“She wanted something else, something different, something more. Passion and romance, perhaps, or maybe quiet conversations in candlelit rooms, or perhaps something as simple as not being second.”

—   Nicholas SparksThe Notebook (via feellng)

“You’ve become so damaged that when someone tries to give you what you deserve, you have no fucking idea how to respond.”

—   

(via cesttoujourslamemehistoire)

I had to sit and stare at this for a while when I first saw it because it completely threw me off how accurate it is to my life. It pretty much sums up what I’ve tried to put into words numerous times. I’m kinda blown away by it actually.

(via sloanfuckingsabbith)

(Source: the-psycho-cutie, via little-miss-escaping)

“We say
it wasn’t meant to be
as a bandaid
to the fact
that you never tried
as hard as I did,
you never loved
as hard as I did.”

—   Michelle K., It Wasn’t Meant to Be. (via michellekpoems)

….

(via loveandpalmtrees)

(via linsxx18)

(Source: existences, via drunkenwish)